How to Prepare for Couples Counseling

Whether you spend a good deal of time re-hashing the same fight over and over or there's some problem that you can't quite put your finger on, a different perspective can help. But counseling isn't the same as venting to a friend or loved one. It's real work, and if you and your partner take it seriously you'll be able to move forward and into the next stage of your relationship.
However, before you even schedule your first counseling appointment, it's a good idea to work with your partner on what you're looking to get out of counseling -- things such as what issues you'd like to work on as a couple and what the signs of success might look like. When you know what the goals are up front, it's easier to work towards them together, and it's also better for each of you individually when a shared goal can show the way.

Are you invested in therapy and the challenge of doing the work?

As you're wondering how to prepare for couples counseling, one of the first questions to ask yourself is whether you and your partner are committed to counseling. While this may seem obvious, the success of your counseling will depend on your commitment level, both individually and as a couple. Even if you are invested in the success of counseling, your partner may doubt its effectiveness or be averse to counseling, and both of you will need to align your efforts before you can expect to have success.
Most often, it's one partner that is the driving force behind seeking counseling. That's fine, and it doesn't necessarily point to a problem. But if the other partner is suspicious or defensive during the counseling process, success will be harder to come by, which can make matters worse if one partner believes that the other hasn't bought in or is actively sabotaging the process. For these reasons and more, it's best if both parties are dedicated and engaged in the help that counseling can bring.

Identify your shared goals.

While most people enter counseling to work on themselves, couples counseling is a shared endeavor. So if you're wondering how to prepare for couples counseling, one of the best things you can do is to discuss relationship goals with your partner. The more you can work out before heading in for counseling, the better, and you just might find through the process that you both are fighting for the same things.
Some questions that can help align your shared goals are:

• How can we grow as a couple?
• Do we need better ways of addressing conflict?
• Could our shows of affection be improved?
• Are either of us engaged in abusive behaviors?
• Does our listening and empathy for each other need work?

The point isn't to develop an exhaustive list of questions, but to identify areas where the relationship needs improvement -- that's the stuff you'll be working on in couples counseling.

Prioritize comfort and fit when searching for a couples counselor.

Like with all therapy, comfort and fit is a huge component of whether you'll have a breakthrough or a series of uncomfortable sessions. If you or your partner aren't comfortable discussing what you're thinking and feeling, it doesn't matter how else you prepare for couples counseling -- you'll be flirting with failure before you've even started. Instead, come up with a list of questions to help you determine a potential therapist's style and approach, and don't be afraid to ask pointed questions such as whether they've worked with couples that have a similar issue.
Other important considerations include any bios, writings or videos that you can find of a potential therapist. While demeanor, style and how they choose to communicate are important, don't forget to evaluate what they say. Some therapists may advocate a style that doesn't sit right with you and your partner, and no amount of therapy will be able to turn the tide. Either way, once you've found a therapist that appeals to you and your partner, schedule a phone call or consultation to see what the fit looks like. Most offices will provide some kind of complimentary consultation up front, but don't forget to also include a short but separate conversation for each of you -- couples therapy isn't always a group session.

Don't bookend your appointments.

Once you've made the decision and you're ready to book your first couples counseling appointment, don't make the mistake of treating therapy just like any other daily task, especially at the beginning. Plan on your sessions being emotionally draining, which means you won't want to stuff counseling into your lunch break or just before or after something important at work. Before the appointment, you'll want to prepare yourself and think about what you'd like to discuss, and after it's a good idea to unpack, decompress and think about the day's session and what lessons you can learn from it.
As you get further into therapy, how you prepare for couples counseling each day or week might change, but you should always treat it as an investment in your relationship, not something to check off the to-do list. The more seriously you take each and every appointment, the more likely it is that you and your partner will make real strides and improvements in your relationship -- and that's the whole point of it all in the first place, isn't it?

Personal history isn't off limits.

While couples counseling shouldn't be confused with individual counseling, some issues may require the unpacking of individual issues. To be a better partner, you may need to be a better you, and that can include family history, upbringing and other relationships in your life. Sure, the bigger focus will be on you and your partner, but you should be ready to discuss personal history in sessions with your partner or -- if called for -- individually.
That's because your relationships with family and others can provide insight into your current one, even if you're too close to it all and can't see the angle. Previous relationships may also provide insight into how your current relationship is progressing -- after all, we are creatures of habit.

You don't have to hide or tell anyone about your counseling.

Some people see counseling as some kind of admission of defeat. But even strong couples need help from time to time, and no one should ever feel ashamed that they're looking to improve their relationship or themselves. For some people, how to prepare for couples counseling is to close up and not tell anyone. But that's a fear response, and your friends and family should be supportive no matter how you decide to share the work you and your partner are doing. 
However, don't feel pressured to tell everyone you know -- or anyone -- about your counseling. That's between you and your partner, and you both should feel free to tell anyone or no one of the decision you've made. That also goes for who your partner chooses to tell. Some people share more while others hold their cards close to their chest. Neither approach is wrong, though you may want to consider the feelings of your partner before you decide to tell mutual friends or others -- that could be a source of discomfort or pain for your partner.

Take the next step with Quick Results Counseling.

If you're ready for couples counseling, Quick Results Counseling is here for you. With in person and online sessions, as well as early and late hours plus weekends, we can help lend our expertise whenever you decide to take that next step. Schedule a free consultation or call us today.